since i last wrote on my blog, i was so bubbled up with tension and uncertainty of life, right now it feels like a story. i still can't believe i experienced all that i had written, but all the same, selective memory is somehow good. i have moved on in life.
there is one thing that single parents don't seem to see, no matter how much in denial we may be, how determined we are to stay afloat, we have our caving moments, when we are alone in the bedroom, bills have piled up beyond our necks and the tot is tagging at your skirt for attention. at this point blood rushes through our veins, the mind is so cloudy that your vision becomes foggy. the wailing child looks at you with swollen eyes and the hiccuping cries pierce your heart like a sharp knife.
one of two thoughts go through your head, you either play the devil or the angel. the devil in you will shove the child away until he learns to know when mummy just doesn't want this and goes away. the angel in you will breath a heavy sigh, squat to your baby's level just to look into what hurts the child more.
you see, children are very simple, it's we parents who complicate them, when we don't have time to say hi when we get home, or when we are forever on the phone when they have just had their winning moment, or when something as simple as a goodnight turns into a 'go to bed it's late.' my therapist back in school was nice enough to encourage me to choose my words; for these are what make or break their self esteem. i can safely say, mine is a confident smart and happy child. and i own bragging rights.
i can confirm that as a parent i have had moments where i fail to recognize my child's special moments. but the important thing is not to constantly repeat them, but to avoid them at all costs.
